i woke up with a call from hunny saturday morning...i was still half asleep when i heard her say "mawnin babe!!!!!!" on the other line...told you, no amount of exhaustion acould ever keep me from talking to her...i asked her how her mom was doing, and she said she's better than the previous day, though her pains haven't totally ceased yet...i heard cyrile (chloe's sweet kid sis) in the background, and i realized just how much i miss talking to her...she said hi, and chloe let her talk to me...la lang, i just love talking to her, if i love to talk, non-stop, man! sha doble ko ata... she never ran out of things to talk about, and she's just sooooooo cute, so sweet, basta, she's just a darling...and before she gave back the phone to chloe she said, "i love you, ate miles!". is anything could be sweeter than that?! well cy, "i love you too, sweetie!".
anyways, i tried to get some sleep after i talk to chloe, without any luck...i was able to sleep perhaps at around 11:30 am, which gave me a mere 3 hours nap before i prepare for the office...i thought i was dreaming when a saw a familiar-sized box on top of my dresser...my initial reaction was..." oh my God, what's this?!". then i got out of bed, took the box, opened it, and guess what's inside? A BOUQUET OF BLUE ROSES.....FROM CHLOE! (again, all together now.....ahwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!) with that was a card that reads..."milay, i wouldnt've been that brave for everyone if not because of you...MARAMING SALAMAT PO! LUV YOU, WE...she wrote a couple of messages for my mom and my sis as well, which is so coincidental since that same morning, my mom asked me to buy a get well soon card for her mom...know what? my mom isn't usually that thoughtful but i guess she could sense how kind chloe is, that she goes out of her way to let her feel that somehow she's special even if they haven't met in person yet.well, i can't blame her...chloe is one extra ordinary soul, and she's the reason why i'm completely healed right now...i never heard her utter a single negative word towards anyone, no matter how bad the other person may seem...her kindness makes me forget my own pain, and the hell i've just pulled myself through...right ow, i'm gradually learning to forgive sheryl and jann for what they've done...i'm not saying we could all be the best of friends overnight, coz i know it would take a long while, but at least i could be civil if ever i chanced upon them...i owe it all to chloe, coz if not for her love, i won't be this happy...
got a text from her at 2am (2pm NY time)...she said her mom needs to be rushed to the OR, and she was just preparing her stuff...i tried calling her, but she's not picking up the phone...i was overwhelmed with hodgepodge of emotions...i was in dire need to hear my honey's voice, to know if she's ok, and to assure her that everything's goin to be fine; i wanted do rush to her arms and give her my tightest, warmest hug to ease her anxieties; i wanted so much to give her all i have, just so she could face her ordeals with enormous strength; i missed and love her so much i wanted to do eveything i could to help her, but i couldn't, i wanted to cry...finally i was able to call her before i went home...at least i know she's fine...i only needed to hear her voice...
i'm just to so proud of her...her mom raised her so well, she's grown to be a very good person -- responsible, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, sweet, thoughful...almost close to perfection..lately, no other word comes out of my mouth but chloe...i won't finish a sentence without mentioning her name...i'm just thankful that tani is patient enough to listen to my never ending story about chloe...i don't know, but i couldn't seem to get enough of her...I LOVE HER TOO MUCH, i guess. i just pray that everything gets done with the soonest possible time...
it's been a long week for me...i've filed a vacation leave from work last monday and tuesday, but i wasn't able to rest since i had to finish some important stuff in the office...i've been swarmed with so much work lately, that i barely have time to rest and relax...i was supposed to have a dinner with tani and her family last monday (it's actually her birthday!), but i was too exhausted, i couldn't get out of bed, so i told her i'll pass...i know how important my presence to that dinner was, but since she knows that i've been too busy, she tried to understand...
tuesday was another tedious and long day...i came to the office at 9am for the RIDP (recruitment internship development program) i had 5 hours left to finish my internship, and though i wanted so much to extend since i'm enjoying my stay in the recruitment department, i can't since i'm working on a project for the employee engagement team (EET), and it's going to be due this week...gosh! when will i ever ran out work to do?! can i complain now?! ayoko na!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pagod na ko!!!!! asus! as if naman! tiring as my activities seem, they are the same reasons why i stay in convergys...not only do i gain knowledge and hands on experience with the different tasks given to me, i also am able to meet and befriend so many nice people, so i guess i'll just have to make the most out of them...
niweis, i finished my internship at 3pm, and just in time for me to head home, i got a beep from tani..she was asking if we could meet up at 5, since i previously told her i want to watch shrek2, and since that was the only chance for us to watch a movie, i decided to meet her in megamall...they were already eating at sbarro when i arrived...kyle (tani's "BLUE" friend) was with them, and as usual, she's having a problem with her philandering girlfriend...gosh! i could really relate with her current state, since i too had once been blinded by love, but i swore to myself never to commit the same mistake again...if there's one phrase i keep on telling people who have been abused by their partner's, it's none other than "know your worth, dude!".i've been through hell and back, and i learned that no amount of excuse would ever suffice to cover up infidelity.i've been telling kyle over again to let go, but she couldn't...i perfectly understand, though..i know how hard it is to free your grip off a relationship, especially when you've already made the other person a part of your system...but what if you know, that the one you gave your life and heart to has been fooling you. worse, been sleeping at the third party's house, has been using the other girl's mobile phone to text you, told you to leave her alone, and has even posted her pix with the other girl in friendsters...man! even mahatma ghandi would go ballistic if all these happen to him! then again, kyle still hangs on...perhaps she really has to go through this painful process, but i know that in her time, she'll get tired of standing in line for beatification,and will soon realize what kind of a girlfriend she has...i'll just pray that she gets to her senses soon enough though...
enough of that..
after sbarro, we went to play billiards at the elbow room, at the 5f of the podium..the place was so cozy, i wished chloe was there so i could have someone to cuddle with...since it's not possible, i can't do anything but to long for her and to wait for now...i'm wondering how long will i have to wait for her coming, but i'm taking my sweet time, though sometimes i could feel the pain of longing and missing her terribly, but i just rely to the thought that at least i have something to look forward to, and when that time comes, i know i'll be on top of the others, wearing the sweetest and the brightest smile..gosh! what is up with me?! it seems like everything i do makes me think of her...everywhere i go, i wish she's with me and everything around me makes me just want to love her more!!!!! speaking of missing chloe so much, tani,xtian (tani's BF) and kyle took enormous pain in convincing me to watch shrek2 with them..i was telling them i'd pass since i'm too tired,and it's already late, i didn't see any way i could join them...but, what could a person do against three do?! nothing! as always. as push over as i am, i of course, gave in...so we watched shrek, good thing i went with them, 'coz the movie was sooooo funny! i love donkey,and puss in boots!!!! how i loved him when he was supposed to fight with the castle guards, he was standing so arrogantly, but when they were about to hit him, he showed them his endearing look, that made all the guards say, "ahwwwww!". paawa effect?! but what touched me so was the scene when shrek and princess fiona were about to kiss to keep the "happily ever after" potion. fiona stopped shrek, asking him if he was really sure he's ready to give up everything for her, and at once, shrek said "YES, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU" (c'mon, all together now.....ahwwwwwwwwwwwww!) that scene almost made me cry (i'm sorry, but i'm so cheezy, my tears are so shallow, sometimes they just fall even before i realize it). and guess what?! yes, that scene just made me miss chloe way moooooore than ever!!!!!! grrrrr!!!!!!! la lang, i just felt that if ever she'd ask me the same question fiona asked shrek, i would probaby give the same answer....no doubt!
wednesday...i went back to work, applied for vgh (voluntary go home) and logged off at 1:30am. i didn't go home, though. i just stayed in the lounge and slept...
i had to go to st. paul pasig the next day to meet with the president of the fr. jouhn chauvet foundation for our outreach project...then, after that, i went to our ortigas office to discuss the results of the meeting with ms. emem, who made me wait for an hour before she arrived in the office....gosh! i was too tired and sleepy... i went home at 3pm, which means that i kept myself awake for more than 24 hrs! (for the record, i woke up 2:30pm the previous day)...grabe na to!!!! i slept at around 4, but in between naps, chloe just gets to my head, and no matter how hard i tried to keep her off, i couldn't.. so i just texted her whenever i miss her...
i woke up with a call from my hunny friday morning...i may not have enough sleep from the previous days, but a call from chloe is enough for me to forget how tired i am...i just love to hear her voice,her laugh, i simply love everything about her, i so swear!
i finished everything i had to do for the outreach friday afternoon, and that gave me too little time to shop...i was with my kid sis, since i planned to shop for her school stuff, and since i haven't shopped for the loooongest time, i took that chance to at least look for something to buy...then, i got a text from ceej...she wants us to meet earlier to watch harry potter...hmmm....for the first time, i opened my mouth and told her... "ceej, can we not meet at a later time?! you know how long i've been wanting to shop, i haven't even started shopping for mai!"! (congratulations, miles!). well, don't get me wrong...sure i wanna be with her, since i know that she needs my company lately, but i have been giving in to my friends' whims, i couldn't squeeze some time for myself anymore! she arrived earlier, though...but she and her bro were kind enough to accompany me aith my shopping, and she even treated us for dinner! she said, she just feels like she owes me a lot (we've been friends for eight years, and i've practically seen all her tantrums, and the last time we went out, she was in her worst mood, she yelled at me three times!), and it was just her way of making up.hmmmm, cge, sungitan mo nalan ako lage, hehehehehe...
i didn't enjoy harry potter that much, since i got too sleepy while watching it, i probably missed an important scene or two...it was a good film, though...if i had not been too tired, i would've enjoyed it as much as i've enjoyed its first two installments...we got home late, like around 12, my mom was lying on the couch, good thing we didn't hear anything from her...i showed her the skirt i bought from one of the stores in galleria...it was a pink A-line skirt, that has a flower detail on the left side of the waistband...it makes me look like a little girl, and it goes well with any white top...it's just so cute! mama was smiling when she saw it...i also bought a black off shoulder blouse, which went perfectly well with the pencil-cut, knee-length skirt i bought from ensembles...it makes me look so "woman" in it...
how i wish chloe could see me...not that i'm saying i always look beautiful, 'coz i definitely am not...i don't and will never consider myself pretty, but i just want her to see me happy with the littlest of things...i'm basically a very shallow person...i'm not hard to please, even the simplest and the most plain of things would be enough to make me smile...la lan...if there's someone i want to share my smiles with, i certainly want it to be chloe...for a while, i thought i won't be able to love again, but look at me now...whenever i tell people how much i miss her, i never fail to solicit doubtful looks from them. some are even saying "duh! how could that be possible?! you haven't even been together yet, and now you're telling me you miss her?!". i don't care about their snooty remarks..this is how i feel, i just want the whole world to know, now if they can't stand to see me this happy, then who cares?! i told you, i'm too happy no one and nothing could ever dampen my spirits...it may sound absurd, since chloe and i are 80,000 miles apart, but isn't it enough test at our end? a lot of people often mistaken constant companionship and infatuation with love...it might be true that we haven't been together yet, but the feeling is just so strong, we can't even qualify it...what do you think would make me stay up for more than 24 hours, not minding not having enough sleep, anticipating her phone calls? how else would you explain the anxiety that i felt when her mom got sick? and how would you rationalize the urge for me to take the risk for me to open up my heart again, and my willingness to give everything, and not asking for anything more than what she could give, and my willingness to give up all that i have for her?! if it is not LOVE, then i don't know how else to describe the way i feel for her...MADNESS?! OBSSESSION?!INSANITY?! gosh! i don't know!
i got a message from chloe this morning. her mom was rushed to the hospital due to severe stomach ache. i got so worried that i immediately called her.our conversation was cut short because she had to talk to someone in the hospital regarding some important stuff..i felt so much for my honey, knowing how hard it is to be in that kind of situation...i know that her family depends on her, so she has to be strong...if only i could bring myself close to her, so i could console her, embrace her, or simply make her feel my presence, and assure her that everything's going to be fine...i felt so helpless...i really wanted to help chloe, but there was just nothing i could do, so before i slept, i said a prayer to GOD. i asked HIM to bless tita and her family...i just don't want chloe to go through the pain of losing someone...not now, not ever and definitely not HER MOM!
whenever i'm in a tough situation, i often call GOD to back me up...i want to chloe to do the same...
i was asleep when i heard my phone beep...hunny was calling...with eyes half open, i picked up the phone...from the sound of her voice, i know that chloe is already exhausted...it was already 2am NY time, and she's still awake...she said she doesn't want me to worry so much, so she just called to say how her mom's doing...well, tita's already been discharged from the hospital, but the doctors still aren't sure whether she has a kidney problem, or apendicitis, that's why she has to be brought back to the hospital the next day...my heart almost crushed when she said..." hon, muntik na ko maiyak kanina, 'coz i haven't seen my mom in such pain in a very long time, but i couldn't because i need to be strong for them". when i heard her said that,i wanted to wrap my arms around her at once, to erase whatever worries,fears or pain she may be having at that moment, but i couldn't..i could only feel so much for her...i haven't felt this strong for someone, and i NEVER got so worried about someone else's mom, as much as i i've felt for chloe and tita cecile...i remember sheryl's mom getting sick once, but i was never so anxious...but with tita, it's as if it were my own mom who's in the hospital...i only get my consolation whenever i hear her laugh...her laughter sends music to my ears, 'coz i know that at least she tries to be positive inspite of everything...GOD, i love chloe so much..if only i could do something to ease her burden...then, i thought of cyrile..she's so young! i hope she gets enough strength, so she won't break down whenever she sees tita in pain...what makes things worse, is that they only have lola ching,tita arlene, tita cynthia and tito ric (oh, nde ba nakiki-tita at tito ako?! comic relief lang po! :smile:) as their suport group.. not that their presence is not enough, but then, they also have to be consoled, and almost all (especially chloe's) of their friends are here...sigh! i wanted to do so much for her...if we were in the same place, i could've skipped going to work just so i could be with her...i wouldn't mind staying up the whole night, i'll let her rest and be the one to look after tita cecile...but right now, all i can do is pray, and i mean pray really hard so GOD would show HIS sweetest smile upon them...
i'm so proud of chloe' for being so strong and for staying calm...perhaps i was able to surpass the hardship we faced when my dad died because of my mom, but i really wouldn't have any idea how i'm goin to pull myself out of the situation if it's my mom who's having trouble...i might not be able to think straight, i swear!
hunny, everything will fall into place soon...i may not be physically around, but you know that whatever i do, and wherever i go, there's no one in my mind and heart but YOU...like i said, if you feel tired and too weak to carry all your burden, just feel my arms around you...you've all been very good, your family will soon pass this test with flying colors...i am and will always be proud of you, honey! kya mo yan, promise! dito lang ako lage....i love you so much!
being inlove with someone who's on the other side of the earth is never easy...you're overflowing with so much emotions, but unfortunately, you can't do anything but wish she's just around...out of so much love, i was able to write this for my honey a few minutes before we called it a day in the office yesterday....
ei, hunny!i just want to share with you something i got out of the friendster bulletin board...
Do you ever wonder if you really have a soulmate? Do you ever wonder why there are gays and lesbians? Don't you ever wonder why some people love their same sex? Do you ever wonder why some people love their opposite sex? And do you ever wonder why these love are indestructible? Why do most people seem to cannot live without someone to love? And finally, why is it that people do not know what they have until it is gone?
Let me tell you about the Myth of Love... (",)
It was said that before, in the origin of times, there were three sexes; male, female, and rogene. Original humans do not look like how we humans look today. Humans before were said to be twice of each person now, with two heads, two pair of eyes, two pair of lips, four hands, four feet, two bodies, two hearts, and of course two genitals.
Then, if the person has two vaginas, that is a female. If the person has two penis, that is a male person. If the person has both the two different organs, a vagina and a penis, then that person is an androgene.
They said that androgenes were the most beautiful people among all because they have mostly the best features and characteristics of both the male and the female.
Because these people dream of being in heaven, even if they already have the heavens in their selves, they want to experience it even for just a little while. And so they climbed to Mount Olympus.Zeus got furious upon seeing the people going up the mountain. He said, "How dare these immortals climb our wondrous world? And to think I'd let them experience it! Especially now that they do not cherish of what they have!!!" He got so mad that he used his lightning bolts to cut each person in half to make them weaker enough so as not to continue on climbing.
The God of Healers healed the wounds of the people cut in half. And from then on, everyone started to look out for their pair the moment they got down from the mountains.
This is why there is the term "soulmates". Their bodies, in which their souls rest, used to be one. Therefore soulmates.
They said that this is also the reason why there are people who love their same sex, the gays and lesbians. They are the males and females before. And this also explains why gays are creative, because they are both males before, they tend to concentrate on what they lack. The same thing for lesbians. Because they are both females before, they tend to be strong as not to be underestimated.
Androgenes would be equal to male and female lovers. That is why nowadays these couples are the most acceptable, stronger, and the most beautiful among all partners, they have the strength of both males and females.
Lovers nowadays, whether gay, lesbian, or male and female couples, are indestructible because they are the pairs before. They are really meant to be.
This myth also explains why it is natural for people to just realize the value of the people they love only when they are about to be gone or are already gone. Because this happened even before, and we become weaker without our pair. We realize that we need them, truly love them, and that together, we are stronger.
This is also why we kiss. We always try to find the lips wherein ours will fit well.
This is also why we like to hold hands with the one we love, to find out if the spaces between their fingers are the spaces where ours used to lay.
And finally, this is why we always find someone to love. We always want to complete ourselves... Because we need the strength of the one we love in order to go on with the hardships of life... we need to fill in a missing space... and most of all, because we used to have two hearts. We need to find the other one.
people might have different interpretations why there are gays and lesbians and why people go for same sex realationships.. for me it only takes a four-letter word to explain everything -- LOVE. though this myth could very well be true, there is just one part in this prose that i don't quite agree with..
This myth also explains why it is natural for people to just realize the value of the people they love only when they are about to be gone or are already gone. Because this happened even before, and we become weaker without our pair. We realize that we need them, truly love them, and that together, we are stronger.
...in life, i learned that you should not wait for the other person to be gone before you realize your partner's value...i guess that is the most common mistake lovers often commit...sometimes we tend to become too confident, too secured that our partners just love us too much, we tend to push them to the extremes, only to find out in the end, that even saints lose their temper, and before we knew it, we no longer have someone to go home to, simply because that person opted to go and leave us...in every failed relationship that i've been through, i realized that you could never ever give something you don't have...it is not true that you should look for someone to complete you as an individual, but rather, you have to make yourself complete first, before you get yourself into a relationship...that way, you don't expect your partner to give you everything you need, 'coz you very well know you can be happy on your own, it's just that for some reason, your partner just adds to that happiness you already have...that way, you would no longer have to expect, to demand, more so, to change your partner into an ideal person you envisioned him/her to be...in life, i've realized that there is nothing more painful than to see your love leaving you, without giving you any chance of putting up a joust, of leaving you a loser even before the competition begins...for all the times i've spent mourning over a failed relationship, i've been asking (just asking, i didn't say complain ;p) GOD why He always takes away the people i love most away from me, and now i found the answer....
GOD wants me to be happy, even when i'm alone...He taught me how to value the people around me, and not to be too dependent on the love and attention that they provide me, because if that is always the case, i won't be able to seize life as it is, 'coz i'd always rely on them for everything, that i even let them dicatate the things that would make me happy...He let me be alone for quite some time, He used the deepest and the most painful cut that although scarred my heart, definitely molded me into the person i am right now...now i know why God did it...He just wanted me to learn, and to patiently wait for the person He's been preparing all along for me...that's why in the above prose, i love these lines the most...
This is also why we kiss. We always try to find the lips wherein ours will fit well.
This is also why we like to hold hands with the one we love, to find out if the spaces between their fingers are the spaces where ours used to lay.
right now, i no longer look for someone to complete me, nor to make me happy but above all, i'm looking for someone who would make me lift my foot when we kiss the first time (remember "the princess diaries?"), and someone who would not promise me forever, but i know will stay at least for always....i know i'm ready...i've already put all my excess baggages behind, and my arms are now free to accept the one who would definitely make my heart skip a beat...whoever that person is, fate still has to decide...but in my heart, i'm hoping and praying that that person is no one but YOU...
i tried to sleep when i got home this morning, but for some reason, i couldn't i've waited for chloe's call, but she texted me, saying she had to go to the market with her mom to buy something for tom's memorial day holiday celeb....
i miss her voice...i really couldn't sleep, i don't wanna bother her, but i can't doze off without hearing her voice....gosh! i hate this feeling...i know i love her, and my heart wants to burst, but i can't do anything just now...all i can do is to wait... :cry: :cry: :cry:
my phone was ringing...it's hunny...previously, she sent me this text...
chloe': i know it seems too fast to come to this realization, but you know what, i'm just gonna say it...
the moment i answered the phone, she at once said "I LOVE YOU"....i felt the world stopped spinning for a while...gosh! i've been waiting for her to say those words, now i'm in cloud 9! i love her with all my heart, and soul....
if you happen to read this, hon, i just want you to know that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! it may seem weird how things fell into place, but for me, nothing else is more important than you, and i know deep in my heart, that i've never ever done anything right in my life, not till the day i dmitted to myself how important you are to me.... :D :D thanks for everything, hunny!
it's been a while since i last blogged..not that i don't have anything blog-worthy to write, but lately i've been too preoccupied with alot of things happening in my life that i barely have time to write my thoughts down...
almost a couple of weeks ago, (may 18 to be exact) i received a bouquet of roses from chloe'...whatever defense left of me crumbled in an instance...i was so surprised, so overwhelmed that i didn't do anything the whole time but smile...GOD! was i so happy! so, the roses explain why she almost collapsed when i told her i filed a leave for wednesday (may 19). i was trying so hard to fish some info from her, but to no avail..then i found out she was scheming something to surprise me...well, she doesn't need to do anything to win me...her thoughtful and caring gestures are more than enough to melt my heart...i'm sure some of my friends would violently react when i tell them what i'm feeling for chloe' right now, but i don't care...i may have made a wrong decision once, but i definitely learned from it...my "moment" with yhel could've worked, but it's hard when you're in a one way relationship...i hope (and i'm keeping my fingers crossed) everything would work out well with me and chloe' this time..we both had so much already...we've cried enough, and we almost bruised and hurt ourselves to death because of failed love, and i guess making our paths cross is GOD's way of telling us we both deserve to be happy this time..besides, i never expected any of these to happen...i never even expected to fall for someone, coz like i've told her, i was happy leading a solitary life, i thought it would take me years before my heart would again learn to skip a beat..but it was fate that brought me to her...she made me forget about my past, she erased whatever apprehensions i have about falling in love again..it feels so weird 'coz it doesn't seem like she's on the other side of the earth... i would never forget the time when she called me right after i texted her when i had a horrible nightmare...i wasn't expecting anything from her, i just wanted to let someone know (it so happens that i have no one in mind but her...sori for bothering you, We!), to unload myself of the thought, but despite the time, she managed to call, just to check if i'm ok, and assuring me that it was just a dream, and nothing close to that would happen to in reality...
when i lost sheryl, i thought no one would ever love me in the same intensity as she did...i remember all the efforts she exerted just to earn my love, and made myself believe that no one would ever love me the same way...i've resigned to that fact, not till chloe' came...after several tormenting months, GOD is now giving me enormous reasons to smile...thank GOD for her...despite the distance, she really goes out of her way to make me feel she cares...lately, i've been anticipating her calls...if before i'm trying to hold back my feelings, now i'm letting my heart take its course...it's never easy for me to open up my heart again, after all the bruises that i've had from my previous relationship, but with chloe', i feel like i'd rather take all the risks, than to live my life wondering all that could've been but never had, just because i'm too scared to try...life is a gamble anyway, and as a line from a movie puts it, "life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're goin to get".
all these time, i've been wishing nothing but to see myself wearing the same old "smile" i used to wear way back, when my heart was full of love and happiness...guess what?! a friend told me one time, "miles, you look so happy, you're now wearing the same smile you used to wear in one of the pictures you showed us". no doubt, my life has been brighter,happier,and more positive with chloe' around...
again, i don't know what lies ahead...at the back of my head, there is still that "monster" lurking somewhere, telling me to hold back, otherwise, i'll end up hurting myself (perhaps chloe' as well)...but i'm goin to fight no matter what...yes, i'm scared, coz i don't want us to be another "used to be", i don't want to hurt her the way i hurt yhel, most of all, i don't want to regret having her for all the wrong reasons...
but i know it's far from happening...all along, i've been thinking of how good chloe is..since i've known her 8 years ago, i've been praying for her to find her true happiness, for i know she truly deserves it..i thought she found it with kaye, but i was wrong. and now that fate found a way of making our roads meet, i'll do the best i can to make her feel how special she is...chloe' is such a kind soul...i'd be such a fool to ever think of hurting her...right now, i'm thinking of nothing but the best for her...i've so many thoughts in my mind, there's just so much i wanna do for her...if i did so much for sheryl, i'd like to do even more for chloe'...once i was asked "what if she asks you to give up everything you right now for her, would you?". without batting an eyelash, i replied "OO NAMAN!".
it was chloe's birthday last 14th, and i called her just when the clock struck 12am (EDT). she told me to hold for a while since she had to send her email to her friends...i asked her what the letter was all about, she said 'twas about me...i asked for a copy, and amidst her protests, i got what i hoped for....
Romielie sang this to me early this morning while i was having a horrific collossal migraine attack hindi nga ako pumasok sa work eh . . .as cheesy as it may sound when Myles started singing -- nawala po yung throbbing pain...para bang me pangsamantalang nag-angat nung invisible jackhammer na pumupukpok sa kaliwang parte ng ulo ko. . . . .haaaaayyy... ang lakas ng tama ko sa kanya . . . basta there was something in her voice that calmed me down . . . she's got this soothing quality about her . . . kaya kahit sampung fonkard pa ang bilin ko araw araw para lang makapag-usap kme e ok lang . . . ************im stil smylin hanggang ngayon******* There's a right or wrong to know for everything And the truth is written somewhere in between But there's always something missing in the dark There you will find the true condition of the heart
Well I can visualize the pieces of a dream And it's not as far away as it may seem But if truth be told it's you that holds the key To the question that defines my destiny
I've been in love a time or two I've seen the worl but not with you I wanna fly and spread my wings Don't wanna cry, I wanna sing I wanna live and take a chance I'm not afraid to love again I wanna fall, fall for you And I want you to fall for me too
I've had plenty conversations my heart Cuz I want this thing to work, not fall apart Oh, I ask my heart how can it be so sure And it answers me beacause your heart
I have every expectation that it's true Cuz my heart won't lie to me, much less to you But if truth be told it's you that holds the key
To the mountain snow that melts into the stream My heart flows like that river to the sea To the heavens above I pray to God our destiny is love ..... and yes she can actually sing . . . ipagmalaki daw ba..eh hindi nman kme . . .. ahhhh...lintek....grrrrrrr... ewan ko ba . . all of a sudden i got scared that id live my life not knowing whats gonna happen..natatakot akong mawala sha sa buhay ko . . . so while she was in the middle of her song bigla kong nasabe na . . . " ROMIELIE: I THINK IM FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU" . . .after that she became unusually quiet . . . nagulat ako sa sarili ko . . kse alam nio nmang lahat na torpe ako when it comes to these kinds of things ano . . . i dont usually make the initiative when professing one's feelings . . pero pero pero kanina bigla nailabas ko lahat ng nararamdaman ko . . .AS IN !!! nakalimutan ko yatang bumili ng brake fluid dhel . . .sinabe ko tLg sa kania kung ano ang nararamdaman ko..i told her that she deserves to be treated like a lady and that she deserves more than this; & kahit na she was maltreadted in her past relationships ...id wanna be the person who'd make her have faith in Love again... i wanna hold her hand when she crosses the street medio tatanga-tangga kse yon when it comes to that ((sidenote: when we first met..it was because i was gonna accompany my very bestfriend in the entire galaxy Vanesa to Miriam College..nagkataon nman na nakita nmin yung ex-gf kong si Pia, who happens to be her barkada ((hmm, ang weird nga eh kse dati when Pia and I tryd to reconcile Miles was our bridge . . . and now that Milsee and I have feelings for each other si Piatot nman yung nagiging bridge nmen, Life truly is full of Ironies )) . . . .aba eh montek nakong mamatay dhel nde nya napansin na mashado ng malapit yung 10 wheeler trak wyl we were crossing katipunan ave noh!!!)); that i wanna take care of her when she sick; i wanna be there when she did well @ Convergys; cheer her up when she's down; and just be there to enjoy the simplest of things . . .she loves Isaw, lalo na yung nabibili mo sa UP.. -- pero hindi pa natapos don . . .kinantahan nya pa ko ng . . . Fallin' out, fallin' in Nothing's sure in this world no, no Breakin' out, breakin' in Never knowin' what lies ahead We can really never tell it all no, no, no Say goodbye, say hello To a lover or friend Sometimes we never could understand Why some things begin then just end We can really never tell it all no, no, no
But oh, can't you see That no matter what happens Life goes on and on So baby, just/please smile Coz im always around you And ill make you see how beautiful Life is for you and me
Take a little time baby See the butterflies color's Listen to the birds that were sent To sing for me and you Can you feel me This is such a wonderful place to be Even if there is pain now Everything would be all right For as long as the world still turns There will be night and day Can you hear me There's a rainbow always after the rain
Ohh, whoa
Hittin' high, hittin' low Win or lose you should go, yeah yeah Getting warm, getting cold Weather could be so good or bad But baby this is life now don't get mad no, no, no
Coz oh, cant you see That no matter what happens Life goes on and on So baby, please smile Coz im always around you And ill make you see how beautiful Life is for you and me
Take a little time baby See the butterflies' colors Listen to the birds that were sent To sing for me and you Can you feel me This is such a wonderful place to be Even if there is pain now Everything would be all right For as long as the world still turns There will be night and day Can you hear me There's a rainbow always after the rain
Life's full of challenges Not all the time we get what we want But don't despair my dear coz I know now You'll take each trial and you'll make it through the storm Coz you're strong my faith in you is clear So ill say once again this worlds wonderful and Let us celebrate life that's so beautiful, so beautiful Ohhhh
Take a little time baby See the butterflies' colors Listen to the birds that were sent To sing for me and you Can you feel me This is such a wonderful place to be Even if there is pain now Everything would be all right For as long as the world still turns There will be night and day Can you hear me There's a rainbow always after the rain
@ eto nman ang kanta ko para sa kanya.. I'm not a perfect person There's many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you It's something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away And be the one who catches all your tears Thats why i need you to hear
I've found a resaon for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show A side of me you didn't know A reason for all that I do And the reason is you . . .lintek nman o . . . pambihirang test tLg ito . . . Thank you God 4 her tho.... pantryARJAY: taken last sunday 2am breaktym nya after the rain: taken kahapon, i was gonna go 2 B&N to buy some poetry books for her coz she loves Pablo Neruda . . .kso ang lakas ng ulan..so i heed her request & went home instead . . . ryt now . . .im thinkin abt what im gonna say to my Family....esp my Mother ...coz theyve been wonderin why im taking a bath everyday; why im so happy, inspired, positive araw araw . . . . i wanna make sure that this time maipaglalaban ko na yung babaeng mahal ko - - chaka, if all of a sudden e umuwe ako sa Pilipinas, i want to make sure that they perfectly understand why and most importantly who am i doing it for . . .
----and this is what i told her after i read eveything----
***i don't know what to say, and for the first time, i'm speechless...i'm once again flooded with so many emotions...i'm actually overwhelmed right this very moment..i'm too happy that no one could ever dampen my spirit..but then , at the back of my head, i got a bit scared...i'm scared coz i don't know if i could live up to all your expectations. i've been independent for quite some time that i no longer know how it feels to have someone to share everything with...i've been through 3 FAILED relationships already, and sometimes i begin to question my own capacity to handle a relationship...honestly, as much as i'd love to savor each and every word that you've written, i'm trying so hard not to, coz i'm too scared to fall flat on my face again...i may not be able to bear it this time...you're right...in a way, i lost my faith in love...i committed a big mistake of getting myself into a relationship with yhel, and i ended up hurting her in the process... what if i only love the feeling of being in love, only to realize that i've already lost the will and the ability to stay in love?! what if i fall short of your expectations? what if i'm not really the kind of person you think i am? what if i'm not even worth the money you spent for the fonecards just so we could talk, much more a plane ticket?! i don't know...as much as i'd love to love you, to give you everything i have, i'm trying to hold back coz i don't want to push you into doing something you might regret in the end...if you only knew how much i ache to have you near me. i'm just trying to bear everything, coz i don't want you to worry too much because i know that it would not only make you insane, but more so, i can't bear the thought of you having migraines again because of too much thinking, and i can't do anything since as you said, we're 80 miles apart... i don't want you to go home, not because i don't wanna be with you, but because i don't want you to waste all the opportunities in store for you there...as i said, there's a bright future that lies ahead of you here, and IT'S JUST ME!!! for all you know, you could still find someone who's far better than i...at least you wouldn't have to leave evrything behind.. believe me...all of my exes thought that i was different, that they were too inlove, but look at where they are right now? they're happy in someone else's arms, which only goes to show that i'm not really the kind of girlfriend they all hoped me to be...i just don't want that to happen to you....i don't want you to bump your head against the wall for letting your future go for me... i don't know, but i'm just too scared...perhaps if there's not much at stake on your part, i wouldn't act this way...but your mom has already invested so much for you, and besides, i don't want you to leave cyril, now that she needs someone to talk to...she's goin through that crucial stage, and she really needs you now more than anything else, and i don't want her to be deprived of your guidance..you might ask, so what now? are you goin to fight back your feelings? well, i'd say that cherish it while it's there, but take everything in stride...take everything easy...i'm not goin to go...i may be far, but i'll be just around, at least in spirit...don't put too much pressure on yourself, honey...think hard...if in the future you decide not to go home, i'd understand...but right now, take all the time possible for you to reflect and validate what your real feelings are..same goes with me...i've made so many errors in the past, and i told myself that if ever i'd fall inlove again, i'd make sure that this time it would be for always,if not for forever...i know i would never ever be able to bear another heartache, nor to bruise somone else's heart anymore, that's why i'm trying to be extra cautious this time...but believe me when i say that you're not the only one who's having a hard time...i just get my strength from the thought that at least i know someone as special as chloe o. pinera cares on the other side of the earth, and that alone is enough for me to go through whatever storm that comes my way...as i said, you don't have to do, nor to give me anything...your texts and calls are more than enough already...just promise me to take extra care of yourself...and stay away from pedophiles, for pete's sake!!!! till next time....
with so much hugs,kisses and sweetness, miles
where would this lead us to? only God and fate can tell...as i said, i just try to make the most of what we have right now...yes, it's exremely difficult, since i'm dying for the day to come when i could have her beside me, but i'm trying my best to cope...and what's surprising is that, i'm happy and i'm contented in a way that i need not to ask for more...i'll just live each day as it comes, and just let life unfold its surprises for me...
i lost my phone!!!!!!!! :evil: :evil: :evil: whoever took it would definitely have a 100 folds of karma!!!! gosh! i just got the unit last dec, it's even barely half a year with me! i've brought it to baguio and back, and guess where i lost it?!?!?! in the office!!!!!! what's worse, i don't have a copy of all the numbers stored in my phone, so that means that i'll have to back to square one! huh!!!!! MABAOG NA KUMUHA NG PHONE KO!!!!!! :evil: :evil:
came over me in a rush when i realized that i love you so much that sometimes i cry but i cant tell you why why i feel what i feel inside how i try to express whats been troublin' my mind but still i cant find the words but i know that somethings got a hold of me it came over me in a rush when i realized that i love you so much that sometimes i cry but i cant tell you why why i feel what i feel inside baby someday ill find a way to say just what you mean to me but if that day never comes along and you dont hear this song i guess you'll never know it came over me in a rush when i realized that i love you so much that sometimes i cry but i cant tell you why why i feel what i feel inside feel what i feel inside and when i say inside i mean deep you fill my soul and thats something i cant explain its over me cuz it came over me in a rush when i realized that i love you so much that sometimes i cry but i cant tell you why why i feel what i feel inside it came over me in a rush when i realized that i love you so much that sometimes i cry but i cant tell you why why i feel what i feel inside it came over me in a rush when i realized that i love you so much that sometimes i cry but i cant tell you why why i feel what i feel inside
***why does love always have to hurt? i've always believed that it's painful when you're overflowing with so much love,but the object of your affection refuses to reciprocate the feelings, not knowing that it is EVEN MORE PAINFUL when you're loving someone silently from a distance, and no one but your dreamy heart knows about it...it's like goin through a maze...once you're in, you can't help but grope for your way out...you may drown in your own tears, but since you're the only one there, no one could ever save you...you wanted to go back, but you're too far now--to far to look at where you started, and too lost to see if there's any future ahead...maybe i should stop, but how? my heart longs for her...i never planned planned any of this to happen, it just hit me--so hard that it just weakens all my defenses... helpless...pathetic..futile... :cry: :cry: :cry:
here are some things that would best describe who i am as a person....
1.name? - romielie aka miles, arjae,milay,mileng,rom porras...named after my mom (julie) and dad (romie), my nicknames, courtesy of my friends... 2.how many bottles of beer can u drink? i was able to drink 6 bottles without getting tipsy, but i haven't really pushed myself to the edge, so i couldn't really tell..
3.u smoke? minsan...when my friends aren't around hehehehe ;p 4.how many sticks on the average /day? - i used to consume a pack a day, but since i got sick, perhaps a stick or two a week... but now, i'm trying to quit--FOR GOOD! 5.have u ever been really drunk? - not yet!..i have a very high alcohol tolerance... 6.have u ever been in love? -several times! 7.what do u do when ur in love? -i give everything....i'm a selfless and an unconditional lover.. 8.have u ever cheated on ur gf/bf? - hehehehe...i cheated once, and i paid for it later on...had my own dose of karma.... 9.ur last relationship? - what about it? 10.do u have a bf/gf right now? - huh?! uhm, si casper?! i wish i have?! 11.do u eat isaw? -A LOT!!!!!!! 12.have you tried sarsi mixed with raw egg yolk? - EEEW! sori, nde ko kya tiisin yung lasa.... 13.what would u do if ur bf/gf is having an affair? - it happened to me, i almost died of depression.... :( 14.does virginity matter? - uso pa ba yun?!
15.What do you think of kissing in public? - ok lang, but couples should be responsible enough not to display too much affection in public... 16.last time u read a book? - yesterday, double standards by judith mcnaught.. 17.beauty or brains? -both! 18.hu's the most competent among our presidential candidates? - raul roco! 19.our vice presidentiables? - ..... 20.juice or softdrinks? - juice 21.when it comes to relationships, what's so annoying or odd with the opposite/same sex? - when your partner keeps on doing the same mistake... 22.what's nice? - when you know you're able to bring out the best in your partner... 23.tv or radio? - radio 24.have u ever been on a fight when u were in high school? - nope! i've always been a good girl!.... 25.are u impatient? - sometimes.. especially to callers! 26.when u lose something, do u turn a room upside down to get it? - depends, but most of the time, i just shrug it off. la na eh! 27.when it comes to mingling and dating are u choosy? - nope! as long as the person is not conceited, and could carry a conversation well enough, ayos na yun! 28.have you tried eating dog meat? -once...my dad let me taste it...i didn't know it was a dog meat, though...i ended up having allergies all over my bod... 29.at least 5 of the nicest people that u know? - tani,divine,peng,erlyn,ce cile,ceejay,red,val!,sug ar,mye,avi,armie,rose sheryll,gem,tania,des,nem s,ronnel,jay! chloe', ska madami pang iba! 30.people hu always give u a sound advice? -mom ko, THE BEST!!!!!, TANI, w/ matching bugbog, peng,erlyn and red over a drink from starbucks, baby divine..my ever loving college friends, CECILE and CEEJAY!...CHLOE', through text, hehehehe.. and a lot of other nice peeps! 31.do u have a journal? -yup! i have one online... care to check it out?! http://mieliezerofour.tblog.com/" title="http://mieliezerofour.tblog.com/" target="_blank"http://mieliezerofour.tblog.c... 32.have u had a piggy bank when u were a kid? - yup ;p I still keep one til now... 33.when was the last time u broke a glass? - the other week, i guess?! 34.can u do other things while eating? - yup! i work in a call center, so i'm supposed to be good at multitasking... 35.when u started working, what did you do when you got ur first salary? - i gave a portion of it to my mom, then i went shopping with jannie! 36.a perfect date (place)? -any place would be perfect as long as i'm with the one i love... 37.a genie would grant u three wishes, anything that u want, what would be ur third wish? - i'll wish for the genie to grant all the wishes of those who weren't able to chance upon him.. 38.salt or fishsauce? -fish sauce pa, patis lang yun eh!!!!! 39.last person who made u laugh? -i haven't had a good laugh tonight, tani's not around, and i'm all alone, that's why... 40.are you a coffee addict? - i used to, not til i had palpitations... 41.ice cream or chocolates? - both!!!!!! :)
ON GIVING SECOND CHANCES....
1. do you believe in 2nd chances? **i used to, until i was fed up and got tired of waiting and crying, and of loving the other person altogether...
2. if you will be wooed by two people (one is ur ex and the other is someone new), who wud u choose? **the new one...i already had my chance with my ex, it didn't work out, so might as well open my heart to someone -- for a new beginning...
3. if ur ex tries to square things again, wud u give him another chance even if the cause of ur breakup was him having another affair? **huh?! spare tire, NO WAY, MAN?! SQUARE NA LANG KME!
4. if u wer d cause of ur breakup, wud u still have the guts to win him back if you feel u still love her/him? **nope.i don't decide based on impulse...i think before i take any step...when i say goodbye, i always make sure it's for good...besides, i know i've hurt the other person big time, so i won't bother her by dragging her into another hell with me...
5. how many exes did you have? **Three
6. are u willing to still be friends with an ex? **perhaps, when time has healed all the wounds of the past...
7. do you still have communication with an ex? **none as of this time...it's better this way..
8. who among ur ex’s loved u best? **i'd like to believe all of them did, but i guess it was jannie who really loved me the most, coz she bore all the pain, and even wanted to become the third party when i strayed.
9. who among ur ex’s did u love most? **good question, let me think.... :wink:
10. wud u steal ur ex bf from his present partner? **NO WAY! petra could have sheryl for as long as she wants!
11. is there anyone of them u regret breaking up with? **uhm, none...there's a reason for everything, and i learned to take that bitter fact in the process...
12. is there anyone of them who’s now trying to win you back? ** i don't know if there's any one of them who's trying to put up a scheme, but a have a strong feeling there is...
13. will you give her/him a chance? **NO WAY!!!!!
14. do you still remember all d names of ur ex’s? **OF COURSE!!!!
15. if you will be given the chance to choose among all ur ex’s, who wud you opt to reconcile with. **none...
16. Who said good bye? 1st...moi, coz i strayed... 2nd- the ex, coz she f****d up 3rd- moi, coz i was confused
17. How long was the relationship? 1st- 4 years 2nd- 2 years 3rd- uhm, recordbreaking! 2 months! ;p
18. How young were the both of u? yuck?! yung 1st, i was 17, 18 ata sha?! yung 2nd, we were both 21...yung last, we were both 24... 19. How long was the courtship? with jannie, i waited for 6 long months! with sheryl?! uhm, 3 months...with yhel?! wlang courtship na naganap! ;p
20. How did u meet? jannie--miriam sheryl--globetelecom yhel--wag na, cheap eh!
21. Are you friends first before the courtship? **with the first two, yup! with yhel, no, everything happened in a snap...
22. is it a bad break-up **huh?!
23. theme song for your breakup? **help me forget?!
24. Their best quality? jannie--sweet,thoughtful, cheerful,caring... sheryl--i thought she was in line for beatification, but i was wrong! yhel--hehehehehe...
25. any final message for them? ngek?!
WHAT WOULD I DO...
**if you went out drinking and found yourself naked in somebody`s bed the next morning? oh my god?!?! wag ganun?! that would be the most dreadful moment of life...
**if you found out that your boy/girlfriend had another girl/boyfriend or fling earlier in your relationship? i'll confront the person..he/she has to think of something clever for an explanation...if it doesn't work, ingat na sha! patay sha sa kin!!!!!
**if you found out that your boy/girlfried is gay? i'd tell him,,,sana sinabe mo agad! la naman prob dun, tibo ako! ;p ....
**if you found out that one of your parents is gay? eh di maganda...like parent like daughter? ;p
**if you found out that you only have 13 hours left? i'll go to church, talk to GOD then i'll gather all of my loved ones so i could be with them before i breathe my last...
**if your ex wanted to get back with you but you already have someone new? I'M SORRY! if he/she really wanted to keep me, we shouldnt've parted ways in the first place!
**if you were grounded for a month and your friends were throwing a killer party? i'll beg for my mom to allow me to go...sumama pa sha kung gusto nya!
**if your bestfriend or one of your closest friends tried to seduce you? huh?! kadiri yun, huh?! pero pag guy, wag nya ko seduce, ligawan na lang nya ko, pra mas romantic...it could work... ;P
**if you accidentally killed someone (e.g. car accident, food poisoning, etc.)? ngek!sorry! i'll tell him not to haunt me,i'm so scared of ghosts...
**if your parents asked you to marry someone you didn`t love? if you like him, why don't you marry him yourself?!
**if your boy/girlfriend had a one-night-stand just recently? hide as far as you can, cause if i lay my hands on you, you'll regret it for the rest of your life!!
CRAZIEST THINGS I'VE EVER DONE...
1.the sweetest thing someone’s done for you?
»»» when my ex scouted all the pirated cd stalls in manila just to get me a copy of charlie wilson's "without you" (at that time, no record bars have that single yet since the song wasn't that well known, and the single can only be bought in the states).
2. the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
»»» it was blackout in our place, and i kept myself awake the whole night coz i didn't want a single fly to get near my ex..
3. the funniest/worst pick-up line you’ve heard or said?
»»» it was at the height of a telenovela (villa quintana) and someone asked me "excuse me, are you in any way related to the quintanas?". patawa!
4. the craziest thing you did for your love, you probably won’t do to anyone else?
»»» to kiss someone in public, get down on my knees and beg for her not to leave me...
5. the worst tv/ radio ad you’ve seen or heard?
»»» lahat ng low budget ads...yuckie!
6. the worst thing your parents made you believe as a child?
»»» merong mumu..
7. words you regret you ever said?
»»» saying "i love you" to someone, just for the heck of it..
8. Something you did you thought you’d never do?
»»» kiss someone in the mouth--in public!
9. If you can hypnotize someone, who would it be?
»»» sikret! uhm the _ _ _ of steel?!
10. 3 questions you would ask him/ her? goes for both.
»»» 1. what are you up to? 2. is there any way for us to be together? 3. how long should i wait?
11. if you were a cartoon/ fairy tale character, who would you be?
»»» beauty, in "beauty and the beast". coz she chose to love beast despite of who he is...
12. If you were to be locked in a room for a week, whom would you like to be locked with?
»»» hmm...secret! till that day comes, i'll just sit up in my room and wait for that great day to happen.. ;p
13. If you can undo something in the past, what would it be?
»»» i won't leave the first highschool i went to, where all the great mind converged, for a third-class highschool in the province..
14. What do you have you wish you never had?
»»» nothing...i'm contented with what i have...
15. What’s one wish granted you wish you never wished for?
»»» i can't remember any...
16. If you were to trade something in you for someone else’s, what would it be?
»»» wala, no?! nde ako inggitera!
17. The most difficult question you asked yourself you still can’t answer to this date?
»»» why does falling in love always entails getting hurt along the process?!
MY KIND OF PARTNER
1) hair color: BLACK, dark brown?! doesn't really matter. 2) eye color: kht ano... bsta wag cross/wall- eyed...gs2 ko din ng chinky-eyed... 3) height: 5'5" up 4) long or short hair: clean cut for guys, definitely... 5) piercings: for guys, as much as possible none...for girls, ok lang, but i hate tongue piercings, puhleese! 6) big butt or little: i'm not conscious about someone else's bod... 7) outgoing or shy: outgoing...i easily get bored with shy peeps... 8) sarcastic or sincere? sincere malamang! 9) should she/he have a best friend: kawawa naman sha kung mag-isa sha sa buhay, nde ba?! 10) should he/she have a lots of grl/boy friends: ayos lang, basta nde sila BI... 11) should he/she love his mother: Oo naman! 12) should he watch girl/boyz movies chick/macho flicks? huh?! dapat compromise...kung ano trip nung isa, bigayan lang... 13) be smart: definitely! i hate talking to someone who can't give a sensible comment on just about anything... 14) be funny: naman! yoko ng mga sobrang seryosong tao... 15) be sweet: sobra! 16) be a smoker ironic as it may seem, i smoke, but i hate smokers..... 17) drink: as long as he/she's not a drunkard... 18) swear: huh?! 19) plays with your hair: awww! sweet naman... 20) bring you flowers/gift: ok, lang as long as it's his/her nature to do so...pag forced lang sha, TY na lang... 21) lay under the stars with you: awww!!!!!! 22) calls you honey or sweetie: UHMMM.... ;p SWEETIE?! 23) hangs out with you and YOUR friends: OO, naman! it's so important for me for the other person to get along well with my friends...I LOVE MY FRIENDS SO MUCH! 24) hold your hand: ok lang... 25) sing to you: kung marunong sha... 26) WOULD HIS/her INTERESTS BE: a)soccer: ok lang... b) baseball: ngek! sakit yung bola nun pag tumama sa yo... c) basketball: most of my highschool crushes are basketball players.. d) waterpolo: conyotic! e) surf : hunky?! f) singing: NAMAN!!!! g) playing guitar: CGE, TAPOS HE/she SINGS PA! GRABE NA TO! h) playing piano: ok lang... i) play drums: my ex was a drummer.. j) dance: UHM....GOSH! NAMAN!!!!! SHE COULD DANCE FOR ME, IF SHE WANTS TO!!!! k) clean his/her room: cge...paki-linis na den room ko, pwede?! ;p
i've been sick for three days, and amidst protests from my mom, i forced myself to go back to work since i need to finish some stuff for the EET. my head is still throbing, and it's so cold in the office, i think i'm goin to have a sinusitis :(
i was so scared the other day, i thought i'm goin to die..my back was aching and my head was hurting like hell, perhaps because of too much coughing. i can't complain much, since i know my mom would just kick my ass if she ever hears me whine..no matter how hard i kept myself from coughing, my mom noticed my condition, and started saying her litany, telling me that i should quit smoking and goin out on gimiks,blah,blah,blah....of course i couldn't say anything...i didn't even make any attempts to redeem myself, coz i know how hardheaded i've been...what can i do?! i can't just quit smoking, given that most of my friends smoke, and they give me secondhand smoke whenever i keep them company at the "lung center" (a place in the office where everyone goes to smoke), so there are times when i just can't help but light a stick..
anyways,i received a text from rose (sheryl's bestfriend this morning)...
R: ei, miles! i need yuor help... M: huh?! y, what happened? R: pwedeng paki check kung sino yung mey-ari ng number ns ise-send ko sau, pls?! M: ngek! sori, but i lost touch with my globe friends since i lost my phone. if there's someone who could help you with that, it should be your friend, since i know she still has connections with them. R: OO nga, no?! pwede?! thanks, huh?! sorry po sa istorbo...how are you na?! :) M: i'm perfectly fine, rose. i've so many reasons to smile lately..it's been a blessing that WE parted ways, at least i was able to meet so many nice and beautiful people...sobrang happy ako lately, sna kyo ren..
then she stopped texting...
not for being assuming, but the first time i saw the text, i asked myself, "what is this again?!". knowing these people, i know they're up to something..i've known them long enough for me guess what runs in their mind.i'm not certain what made rose to text, nor to stop the moment i told her my current state...perhaps she wasn't able to get the kind of response she was expecting from me...i'm sorry, but gone are my gloomy and tear-filled days..like i said, i've so much reasons to smile, and to be happy these days...given the proper time and chance, i'd be able to open up my heart again..be it a guy, or another woman still, i don't mind...but one thing's for sure...nothing in this world would ever ake me go back to the same hell i've been through...not now, especially that i am beginning to see and appreciate how lovely life is after the storm...not now, that my heart is starting to skip for someone new...
i'm missing someone terribly right now...i'm getting scared of what i feel...i'm scared coz i'm not sure where this feeling would lead me..i'm scared, coz i've been waiting for this moment to happen, and now that it's finally here, it's just so ironic that the other person is so near yet too far...God knows how much i want the person to be around, but for some ucontrollable reasons, the person can't...it's just too complicated..i'm beginning to feel so much for that person, that sometimes it hurts coz i know that there's no certainty as to whether we could really be together or not...we're not just separated by fate, but by millions of miles, and the deepest of oceans...
i feel so damn sick!!!!! i feel so cold, so feverish :cry: :cry: :cry:...i could've stayed home, but i decided to go to the office coz i don't want dewi and aggie (operations mgr and senior operations mgr respectively) to think that i'm starting to neglect my job as an agent just because i'm already eyeing a different position... and besides, they saw me in ortigas when i had my interview, and for sure by now they think that i got sick because i haven't been getting enough rest in my preparation for the interviews (not for being paranoid, but i've been in the company long enough to know how they think). so as difficult as it is, i forced myself to go to the office... :evil: :evil:
i received a voice message from chloe this morning...she was just checking if i'm already feeling better...unfortunately, i'm feeling otherwise...i texted her as soon as i arrived in the office...told her how i was feeling...she told me i shouldnt've gone to work and rested instead....like what i said, i really had to go to work, so here i am, with fever and chills, working..
tani went home earlier...something came up that ruined her day, and she didn't feel like goin through the whole shift, so she left an hour after she logged in...i understand what she's goin through, though...i was groping for words to say to her, to ease her pain, but i was too afraid to hurt her more, so i decided to keep mum...i texted her instead, told her that though i don't say anything, she knows that i care...a lot. before she left, she asked vin (a guy from from our team) to look after me on her behalf. he's too scared of tani that he even transferred beside me just so he could really watch my back...vin's nice, he's one of the nice guys we have in the office, sort of like a big bro...
chloe has been so nice as well, texting and checking how i'm feeling...i even told her she's been so sweet, i might fall for her..of course it wasn't meant as a joke...
whatever my message is worth, i don't know...perhaps i'm scared..yup, i'm scared to fall for her, not because i don't want to, but because i know that being with her will be close to impossible...we're two worlds apart...we're too far from each other, that it's silly to even think of building a relationship with her..i'm getting used to her texts, to her "presence" that sometimes i wish she's really just around, so i could reciprocate her deeds, to let her know that i somehow care...i'm so confused...just weeks ago i thought i'm done getting into these kinds of relationship, not knowing that all it takes is just some acts of kindness from chloe to change everything...another thing, i'm not sure if i'm just reading too much between the lines, that in reality, chloe's just being her nice sweet self...nothing else.
i don't know...hmmm...am i just imagining things because of fever?! gosh my high body temperature surely gives me hallucinations... :roll: :roll:
'm too damn sleepy....i haven't been getting a decent sleep for the past two days because of my interview, and right now i feel like i'm afloat...the last couple of days were so stressful and tedious that right now, i feel like i'm goin to get sick...i started sneezing this morning, and by noon, i'm already having a running nose...my head is actually throbbing right this moment, and i'm hoping i could go home earlier today...
yes, i've been stresed out for the last two days, and i'm just glad i'm already done going through all those interviews...i had my LAST panel interview this aftrenoon, and since i don't know who my competitions are, i couldn't tell whether i'm a shoe in or not...did i do well on the interview?! only erick(the recruitment manager) could tell...all i know is that i did my best, and its all up to ms emem to decide, and for fate to put me where i should really belong....i don't want to expect too much from it.if it's meant to be, it's meant to be..if not, well, i'll just have to rot on the phone, taking in s_ _ _ _d calls from equally s****d clients...
i'm so fond of chloe lately...she's definitely one of the reasons why i flash a smile on my face these days..notwithstanding the distance, she would really go out of her way to send me text messages just to wish me luck for my interview,reminds me not skip meals, or to simply let me know that somewhere in a far corner of the earth, a sweet friends cares.. :) :) :)
gosh! i'm really not feeling well...i just hope i'd be able to get some rest, which i don't think is possible given the extremely hot weather...for a week now, i'm only able to sleep for 5 hours because of the heat..sometimes i wake up in the middle of my sleep feeling so dry and thirsty, then i won't be able to go back to sleep again... :( so, drastic change of weather, plus lack of sleep plus stress, equals a sick miles.... :(
i was about to head home this morning when i received a friendster message from yhel...she was asking how mama and maimai (my kid sister) are doin, and she apologized for not dropping by the house because she said she's been busy goin out with erick (her current boyfriend)...i sent her a reply, told her everything's perfectly fine with my family, and that i'm glad she's now learning to explore new things...even told her that there's more to life than just staying at home and goin to the office...well i just hope everything would work well with her and erick...i've been feeling quite guilty for what happened between us, cause admittedly, i wasn't able to bear our differences. i know myself. i'm selfless when i'm in love, but with her, i really don't know what got into me that i easily gave up on her...i still have the messages she sent me when we broke up, and though at times i miss her company, i chose to be alone and stayed away from her, not for anything else, but i really didn't want to lure her into something i'm not really up to. yhel is too nice and so vulnerable at the same time, that she could fall in love at the drop of a hat. i hope erick could really give her what i failed to provide her before...i feel bad for hurting her, and as i told her, the least that i want to happen is to see her come up to me crying over a failed relationship..
enough of yhel...
know what?! a lot of people are actually asking me if i'm in love. why? because they've been seeing me smiling and that according to them, gives me a different aura. :) i'm far from being in love...i just can't not yet..i've been through a lot with love, that i want to give my heart a time to heal...besides, i'm learning a lot in my single blessed life that i'm not considering getting into any commitment as of date..although i must admit that there are some "special persons" who really give me reasons to smile, still i'm holding back..i guess i'm not just ready yet..i'm not in a hurry though..i know that in time, the whole galaxies would give me all the signs that i need and let me know that it's about time i open my heart and welcome love back...but till that day comes, i'll just be contented with the fact that at least i know there are some who care, no matter how far the distance...
well, tomorrow will make or break my career in convergys.i'll have my final interview with ms em for the Employee RElations Officer post...hope i'd get it..i'm keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for this...i just pray she'll consider hiring me for this...
hmmmm....can't get enough of my guessing games?....wanna know what's posted in my computer screen right now?! it's a picture of "someone" in a yellow bug... :wink: :wink: :wink:
tani's back! :) and i'm back to my old post i've been quite a nomad for a week, since i can't stand to sit in my old post with a bitch nearby. i missed my station, with all the files and the music stored in my pc...
anyways, i went out with my highschool friends last night. we went to okavango (a bar owned by jr, a friend of mine from college), one of the bars along the strip of marikina riverpark...i've heard about the place a long time ago, but it was the first time i've ever been there..we were supposed to meet at 9pm, but knowing them, for sure they'll arrive an hour later..unfortunately, i had to leave the house earlier, otherwise i'd have difficulty looking for a transpo.i arrived 9pm on the dot...we were suuposed to meet somewhere in marikina, and as expected, no one was there yet...i texted marlon and marjorie, and both of them were still about to leave the house, so i decided to go straight to the bar instead..an acoustic band was already playing when i arrived..the seat that i got was the one nearest to the stage where the band was performing..i waited for about an hour, and perhaps my solitude got the attention of the performers, that the vocalist actually asked me, "are you dateless?!" you can only imagine how embarassed i was! well, after an hour an a half, one of my friends came...thanks to him, i was alone no more...if i only had any choice, i wouldn't have gone too early...
the waiting was well worth it, though. at least i got to see some of the oldest friends i've been keeping.they sure make me feel how lucky i am to have them..they've seen me through the most turbulent times of my life, and witnessed me evolve from a skinny thirteener into the "woman" i am right now..besides, marlon is leaving for kuwait, and it would definitely take some time before i'd see him again, and of course i don't want to miss any chances of spending his last days with us...
i love them...i may not able to let them know how special they are, but they're just one of those few people whom i'd cherish until i breathe my last..i'm so proud of the kind of relationship that we've been managing to keep, as well the kind of persons we've grown to be...i know we'd all go far...niweis, we had so much fun that we headed home at around 5am...i'm too exhausted and exhilarated at the same time..i don't know when we'll get together again, all i know is that i'll be looking forward to that moment again...i know i'm goin to miss marlon terribly, but since he's leavin to find himself a greener pasture, i can't do anything but to wish him the best of everything, and to send a prayer along with him, for GOD to grant him all that his heart desires...
hmmm.....i'm missing someone right now....if you think it's obet....you're wrong.. whovever that person is, is for me to know and for you to find out...
i've more than enough reasons to be happy today... :D :D :D i got a friendster testimonial from marvin, a very sweet one i should say...aside from that, my supervisor told me that i was shortlisted for the Employee Relations Officer post i applied a couple of weeks ago.i'm just happy coz a lot of other competent agents applied for it, i guess i'm just lucky to get shortlisted...is it just luck?! i hope not.i guess it's safe to say that at last i could reap the fruits of my hardwork, planning and coordinating projects for the EET...i've been eyeing and working hard for this position, i just hope that the whole universe would conspire to help me get promoted this time.. :roll: :roll:
i was so engrossed in checking my mails and browsing through my friendster account when i heard my phone ring..it was obet--papable#2. he was in the airport, waiting for his flight...i was quite excited when i saw his name flashing on the phone, i was wondering if he decided not to go, or is it really goodbye for both of us...well, i shouldnt've expected in the first place...he was really goin...but i was moved by the way he talked to me...i could sense his sweetness..i don't know why i felt a pang of regret...maybe it's because it's only now that i realize how good a person he is, and he's more than what i thought him to be...too bad he had to go...we talked about a number of things, but most of the time we were just kidding around..told him he better hang up, or he'll just make me miss him more...after some more chitchats, he put the fone down...moments later, i received a text text from him...will that be his last?! i hope not... :oops: :oops:
the thought of losing touch with obet might be quite saddening, but i'm glad i still have a handfull of friends who are there to pick me up when i'm down...got a text from chloe...she told me she has a letter for me, but couldn't send it because she doesn't have my home addy yet...it definitely made me smile...thanks to her text. told her to send me e-mails instead, but i gave her my addy just the same.it was my one hour break, and i got even more surprised when i saw my phone blinking...i'm getting a call from an unknown number...guess what?! it was her!!! la lang, i got too excited...got so many things to tell her, but seems like we barely have enough time, and besides the pantry was too noisy i could barely hear her...we got disconnected twice, so she decided to take her lunch instead... :P
all's well that ends well..
ei, chloe! if you happen to drop by, just want to remind you not to skip meals and not to exhaust yourself too much...miss yah, gurl! mwah!
i guess there's no more chance for me to change....guess what?! papable#2 is leaving for the states...i learned about it just now, and if not for divine, there's no way on earth i'd be able to know..i don't know what to feel...though we never really hang around that much, still i've been quite used to receiving texts from him every so often, and with him leaving, i don't think that would still be possible..i called him...told him i feel bad 'coz he didn't even tell me he's leaving...he was trying his best to tell me not to, but what could we do?! i really can't understand him...i don't know if i'm just reading too much between the lines, or he's just really good at speaking in sugar coated words that makes me wonder if he's really serious in what he was saying...what i know is that we were both fishing...for what?! i don't know...it's perhaps something that we'd have to discover in the future...only fate could tell though... :cry:
niweis, a friend texted me about the song i previously posted...lately i've been looking forward to reading texts from her..she's now based in new york...if i'm to go into details as to how we met, it would probably take me so much time and space, since i'd have to run as far back as what, 1996? she's my bestfriend's ex, and though we never really hang around that much, i'm glad that she never forget...as i said, i've only limited encounters with her, but as they said, it's the quality more than the quantity that matters...in those limited instances that we've shared, i've seen how good she is both as a friend to us and as a "girlfriend" to my bud. she's perhaps one of the nicest and kindest souls i've ever met, and i can say that all of us her friends are lucky to have known her... :)
i could still vividly remember the first time i talked to her...we weren't formally introduced to each other then, but with much prodding from my bud (they were having problems at that time i guess, and my friend just asked for my "divine intervention", to help her fix their mess), i was forced to dial her number..well, calling her wasn't really a difficult task...chloe was nice even to strangers who seemed to meddle to her personal issues...i never felt unwelcomed.she was so nice we jived together at once.
aside from her warmth, chloe is also blessed with a great talent to boast...she dances very well. I remember she was about to teach us some moves for an activity in school, but because of proximity (she used to live in sta. mesa and studied in the college of the holy spirit, while my friend stays in QC and both of us went to miriam) and conflict in schedules, she wasn't able to..she's a big maneuver's fan, and i swear, she could dance exactly like them! this would probably expalin why she's the first person that comes to my mind whenever i hear "my boo", "rock with you", and "SIITING UP IN MY ROOM". :wink:
too bad she had to leave...but even if we're millions of miles apart, that never hindered her from making us feel special...she's never changed...she's still the same sweet,caring,thoughful, and warm chloe i used to know...
thanks a bunch for the friendship, gurl! i miss you sooooo damn much....take care always!!! MWAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Seems like ever since, the first day we met There is no one else I think of more than you Can't seem to forget, can't get you out my head Cause the verdicts in I'm crazy over you How can one be down, tell me where to start Cause everytime you smile, I feel tremors in my heart I have but one concern, how can I get with you Til my day comes, here's what I'm gonna do.
Chorus
Be sittin up in my room Back here thinkin bout you I must confess, I'm a mess for you Be sittin up in my room Back here thinkin bout you I must confess, I'm a mess for you
Pray that you'll invest, in my happiness All it takes is just one simple call from you Turn my heart around, if I'm making ground Pretty baby please, tell me if I'm getting through Tell me what is up You see I need to know Tell if I'm far, or if I'm getting close I have but one concern, and that one concern is you Til I'm with you, here's what I'm gonna do
How can one be down, tell me where to start Cause everytime you smile, I feel tremors in my heart I have but one concern, how can i get with you Til my day comes, here's what I'm gonna do
....this song reminds me of someone...i don't know why, but whenever i hear this playing on the background, i couldn't help but smile 'coz i see her in my imagination...here i go again...i'm using a "she" again instead of a "he"...well, i've been crushing on her for the longest time, but for some odd reasons fate did not allow our paths to cross...we've known each other for quite some time, but our relationship did not go deeper than being "good friends". she may not know it, but since i realized how good her heart is, i silently prayed that somehow i could take care of her...i've been keeping this as a secret, no one, as in no one but my heart knows this...i remember when i first received a phone call from her...i was soooo happy! we were gazillions of miles apart, belong to a different time zone, and for some time, i thought she's already forgotten i've existed...but no. and boy! was i too happy! i don't know if i ever mention having a crush on her to any of my exes, but i've been keeping this for soo long now. i'm not really asking for anything, coz i know it's close to being impossible...i'm just contented with the fact that at least she knows i'm existing, and that in a way we both care for each other, though i know that i can never be someone special to her...til now, all i do is to sit up in my room and pray for her to find someone who would really love and take good care of her... it may not be me, but i hope that that someone could equal the kindness in her heart, and the kindness of her soul...
i'm alone right now...tani left for boracay, and she'll be out for a week...before she left, i already thought of things to do for the whole week, to keep myself busy and keep my mind off the fact that i've no one to share my break scheds with, nor someone to keep me company for the next 4 days...i'll miss her terribly, i swear...
when tani and i started hangin around together, a lot of people find our "tandem" rather weird...to most, tani may appear to be snooty and one hell of a brat...what they don't know is that behind her tough stance lies a sweet,caring and a genuine person...in a world where trust is a treasured commodity and true friends are hard to find, i'm lucky to find tani in the most unusual way...with her, i need not to pretend to be someone else..i could just be my plain jolog self...with her, i need not to exert too much effort to be accepted...we didn't even try to work the friendship out, it just happened in a snap..it only took us a series of matched break scheds and a little chat, and before we knew it, we were already enjoying each other's company, and more...(oops! don't get me wrong! were not falling in love with each other, or anything to that effect...what i'm saying is that we were able to dig a deeper foundation for our friendship in just a short time, and i could never be more thankful to GOD for that)...
we've been spending so much time together that sometimes i tend to forget that there are also other people who in a way miss my company, those whose presence i kinda take for granted...i know that in a way, i haven't been giving my other friend, divine too much time and attention, that we barely even have a chance to talk... sometimes i know i'm missing a great deal on important things that are happening to her life...i know that there were times when she badly needed to talk to me, but because i don't have time for her, she ended up releasing her issues to someone else...i've known divine since training, but it's only now that we really get to know and be close with each other...she's just a good friend..we may not talk as often, but i know i could always rely on her...just like tani, she's one of the gifts i'm trully thankful for... :)
in my previous blogs, i've already mentioned how my "TRUE" friends pulled me through the darkest times of my life, and like in most relationships, for friendship to strive, both parties should work hard for it..i've been good at keeping friends...i've friends whom i've been keeping since gradeschool, and we still manage to keep in touch up to now..in my 25 years of existence, i've met several people, some left indelible marks in my heart, some left me scarred yet taught me invaluable lessons in life...there are even those whom i've invested so much, but betrayed me along the way..after i've recuperated from all the pains and the wounds i've endured with sheryl, another person is threatening to abrade me again...what makes more painful is that the very person abrading me is someone whom i thought was a dear friend...or so i thought, until she started dampening my spirit with her foul words and nasty remarks...at first i tried to shrug her bitchiness off. i even tried to understand her by thinking that she's young and idealistic that perhaps she thinks she's on top of the worls and could get away with anything...but then each day i spend with her is a struggle on my part...a struggle for me to pick up the scattered pieces of my lost self-esteem, and a struggle for me to keep my temper and not to stoop down to her level...each time i hear her give out a comment or two on how i look, how i perform in the office, or me being a jolog slowly gets to my nerve, until it reaches a point where i could no longer tolerate her, ande before i knew it, i laready despise her...this is one thing i hate about myself...i'm not good at rebutting other people whenver they throw something at me...what i usually do is to take everything and not lift a finger, nor utter a word to defend myself, but once things reach my treshold, i suddenly explode like an active volcano...and mind you, i'm not the kind who easily forgets... :evil: :evil: too bad a lot more people in the office hate her, and these are the same people who fight for me...i need not to get other people's sympathy...i was able to earn them long before this bitch tried pulling me down...i need not to mention any names..those who have been with me lately knows who i'm talking about...too bad for her...she's digging a deeper grave for herself by talking trash behind me...in time, everything she says and does would go back to her.... :evil: :evil:
bakit ganon?! bkit lage na lang akong nasasaktan?! girlfriend man o kaibigan, lagi na lang akong naiiwang luhaan? mabait naman ako...at least yun ang paniniwala ko.. pero kahit pano ko pilitin... mey nakakalusot pa rin.. buong buhay ko, pinilit kong maging mabuti... mabuting anak,estudyante,kaibigan, ka-ibigan... kasi akala ko, pag mabuti ka, madaming magmamahal sa yo, nde ka masasaktan..
bakit ganon?! wala naman akong tinatapakang ibang tao, pero bakit ako? lagi na lang naiiwang sugatan? kelan lang, akala ko masaya na ko...nalagpasan ko na paghihirap na dinanas ko... ok na ko. nalaman ko, mas maraming tao ang higit na nagmamahal,umuunawa, at handang umaruga... ngunit ngayon, heto na... nde pala lahat sila ganun ang paniniwala... sa dme ng kaibigan ko, ilan lang pla ang totoo.. yung iba, nde ko alam kung ano ang motibo... sa halip na maging masaya sila sa lahat ng narating ko... pinipilit nilang hilahin pababa ang mga paa ko.. wala naman akong ginagawang masama...pero bakit ganun?!
maraming nagsasabi, hinahayaan ko daw kasing tapakan ako ng ibang tao... sagot ko naman, ayoko na lang patulan... pagdating ng panahon, meron ding silang karmang matatanggap mas malupit, mas masakit... lagi kong tinanatong...bakit ganun?! pagod nako...kakaiyak,kakaisip... kung ayaw nila sa kin, e ano ngayon?! nde ko sila kailangan, nde ko rin sila kawalan... importante, wala akong sinasalbahe..walang inaapi sana lang, huwag silang balikan ng malas bka nde nila kayanin...sa libingan na lang sila damputin.. masama na kung masama, pero pakiramdam ko sobra na.. ayoko na, nde na ko papayag na masaktan pa... kaibigan man ito o ka-ibigan... lalaban na ko...pangako....
i've been wanting to write sheryl a hate letter, but i couldn't muster the guts to...eight months after the break up, after all the tears i've shed, and after all the lies that have been told, and all of her inesnsitivity, i finally gathered all the strength to tell her what i've been keeping deep inside....
i heard you've been having bouts with my friend....well, i'm not goin to apologize for their behavior....not that they don't have any manners, not that they're giving you wrong judgements....more than anything, they feel that i've already had enough....DON'T YOU THINK THE SAME?! ever since THE BREAK UP, you've never heard ANYTHING FROM ME.... i've probably hurt you physically, but can you imagine the kind of pain you put me into?! whatever pain you felt pales in comparison with what i've been through. sheryl, i've taken all the lies you've fabricated, i've been blind to the fact that you've fooled around, that you've been such a wimp...I'VE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE, I NEVER EVEN LEFT ANYTHING FOR MYSELF, and yet i am still not good enough... i bore all the hardships, we both know how we fought hard for "that" relationship, only for it to be ruined by your incapacity to resist temptations... REMEMBER HOW I BORE ALL THE NASTY THINGS YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND SAID ABOUT ME?! HOW I SUFFER ALL THE PUNCHES AND THE DIRTY WORDS JANNIE THREW AT ME?! HOW I TOOK IT WHEN YOUR MOM BERATED ME?! despite all these, i remained LOYAL for two years...i've avoided all possible tempations in my attempt to keep you from getting hurt....i HAVE LOVED you so much i can't even afford to have a single fly touch you...BUT DID YOU EVER REALIZE THAT?! if i'd been bad, if i'd been such a nagger, don't you think you gave me enough reasons to act that way?! WELL, I CAN'T BLAME YOU...I FORGOT YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF GETTING IN AND OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS, OF HURTING PEOPLE AND OF DOING EVERYTHING JUST TO GET WHAT YOU WANT, NOT MINDING STEPPING ON OTHER PEOPLE'S TOES.... as i told you before, you could never imagine the kind of hell i've gone through...you'll never know, COZ YOU ARE TOO SELFISH, YOU'RE ALWAYS THE ONE WHO GOES OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP AND NEVER LOOK BACK, THROWING AWAY ALL THE MEMORIES AS IF THEY DIDN'T REALLY MEAN A SINGLE THING...
for eight months after the break up, i kept mum about everything, 'coz honestly, i am still trying so hard not to hurt you, to save whatever is left of us. i tried to stay away from you, to move on with my life, pretending that the sheryl i used to love has already died, so it could be easier for me to accept that no matter how hard i pray, GOD will never bring back a dead person back to life, more so, for him to bring you back to me....all of my friends are telling me to forget you, that you don't deserve anything from me, that i have already given you so much, but i never heeded their words...i chose to understand the reason why you left, to accept the bitter fact that JANN IS BETTER THAN ME, that perhaps she has redeeming qualities that enticed you to choose her over me....just when i was learning to live my life without you, just when i am getting used to the thought that NO ONE cares whether i would still wake up and live the next day, that NO ONE cares if i get raped on the way to the office, that NO ONE would ever love me the same way... just when i am beginning to pick up the broken pieces of my life, you once again popped out of the blue, trying to connect your ties back, when you know very well that i am still vulnerable...YOU KNOW WHAT?! I WAS OK....I WAS BEGINNING TO MOVE ON, UNTIL THAT FATEFUL DAY WHEN YOU TALKED TO ME ON THE PHONE, TELLING ME THAT THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE MADE THE WRONG DECISION, THAT YOU COULDN'T SEEM TO GATHER WHY YOU CAN'T RESIST TALKING TO ME? THAT THERE WERE TIMES WHEN YOU JUST SIT STILL, AND THINK THAT NO ONE WOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE YOU GO AROUND AYALA TO LOOK FOR A MISSING GIRLFRIEND.... i'd be such a hypocrite not to admit that after that talk, the old flame of hope, of us getting back together was not ignited...AND DON'T BE A FOOL BY SAYING THAT YOU NEVER KNEW WHAT I WAS FEELING THAT TIME...I DON'T THINK YOU'RE THAT NUMB NOT TO FEEL....whatever those words you uttered are worth, I WAS TOO STUPID TO LET MYSELF BE FOOLED BY THEM..AND WHAT ARE THOSE PHONE CALLS FOR?! THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU ASKED ME IF I WERE HOME?! don't tell me those were just nothing, i'm not goin to buy those...and then what?! AFTER I ALLOWED MYSELF BE STUPEFIED FOR THE NTH TIME, GETTING USED TO READING YOUR TEXT MESSAGES, AND WAITING FOR MY PHONE TO RING AND HEAR YOUR VOICE ON THE OTHER LINE, YOU WOULD ONCE AGAIN DROP ME LIKE A HOT POTATO.....then at the end of the day, i would drown with my own tears, for being so gullible, for being so dumb, and most of all, for choosing to love you instead of hating you for all the pain and tears you've caused me...
i remember talking to rose once, i told her i'd be willing to go through the same hell, to succumb myself to too much pain if only those would mean having you back...that was what? just a month ago?! but then, after giving it another thought, i realized that i have grown numb of all the blows i got from you...all the things that you've done made me immune to pain...there was a time when i got too scared to die without you knowing it, not bearing the thought of not seeing you in my wake, knowing that you're one of the few people whom my own mother learned to love and accept...as the days go by, though all the emotions start to vanish slowly...true enough, time came when the universe finally gave me the strength to FINALLY LET GO AND MOVE ON...care to know why the sudden outburst of rage?! i'm just FED UP, especially of your insensitivity...i really can't decipher why you can't seem to feel that i need some time for myself, that i need time AWAY from you...if you notice, i haven't been texting nor replying to any of your emails, which is so unusual of me. you could've at least felt that perhaps i am really detaching myself from you...you got my last text?! did you sudenly become so slow not to get the meaning of it?! remember this line? "HINDI AKO SANTO". there is always an end to everything, and i am proud to say, that this is finally it....it may have took too much pain and time for me to learn, that i needed to hear mama say, "BAKIT KAILANGAN PA KAYONG MAGKITA NI SHERYL? HAYAAN MO NA YUN, TAPOS NA YUN", when i told her i met up with you one time, for me to completely release you...
you might think i am bitter...well, you're entitled to your opinion, but i just want to say my piece, for you to know what i truly feel...all along i made myself believe that YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, AND I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT, BUT TO NO AVAIL... perhaps i've given enough...you've long ago walked out of my life, and now it's my turn to forget...i just hope you know me well enough to know what happens when i get tired of someone....i've been trying so hard to get into your shoes, just so i won't feel any hatred against you, but borrowing your lines, "YOU PUSHED ME".
i just hope you've already learned from your mistakes....you told me you're happy, and that's good....hope you've finally found what you've been looking for...you told me last time, that "not because i'm alone, does that mean that i have to be lonely, that perhaps i haven't met the right person for me yet". don't worry, i am perfectly fine.....WITHOUT YOU. and i hope that you've found the perfect one for you as well....sarcasm aside, i wish you the best...may you not grow old alone, coz that would be the most dreadful thing that could happen to you..may you not experience what I HAVE JUST GONE THROUGH, for i bet you won't be able to pull yourself through it...there are yet so many things i wanted to say, but i don't think they are still of relevance...like what your e-mail said, everything is a matter of choice....that's the kind of life you chose to lead, so be it...YES, I AM HAPPY....I COULD FINALLY SAY THAT BECAUSE AT LONG LAST I AM ABLE TO FACE MY GREATEST FEAR, AND THAT IS TO LOSE YOU COMPLETELY.... i am not expecting us to be of friendly terms after all these, and i am not regreting anything at all...i've exhausted all my efforts, and until i write the last letter of this missive, until i reach old age, i won't regret going through all these coz i know i've given more than my best....i hope you now go on with your life, not daring to look back...not regreting any single thing in your life right now, and most of all not regreting what you've lost....you'd rather make yourself believe that you are a LOSER, and that's your choice....
let me just thank you for making me the person i am right now....i've grown to be a better, wiser and tougher person because of you....MOST ESSENTIALLY, I'VE LEARNED TO VALUE MYSELF, NOT BECAUSE OF HOW OTHER PEOPLE SEE ME, BUT HOW I SEE MYSELF TO BE...thanks for making me realize that there is so much to life than girlfriends and heartaches....most of all, thanks for giving me back my freedom, and to make myself open to the chance of meeting the ONE WHOM GOD HAS BEEN PREPARING FOR ME...
....i am not sure how she's goin to react with what i've written, but i don't give a damn...i think it's just about time for her to hear my side...she's been playing blind and numb all along, pretending she didn't do any harm, and i tried to play along with her...but it's all over now...i said my piece, i just hope she gets to her witts and realize that she can't always do away eith all her faults...i'm happy, coz finally i am able to let go of her completely....
sigh! :? i don't know whether this night would be a good one for me or not...papable#1 will not be around since his team is taking its day off....i'm getting used to his presence. i've been telling tani that i am not really hoping for anything, but i really can't help but to long for him..he brought smile to my face, he brought back the color to my once dull life, and most of all, he made me realize that i am not a lesbian after all...i know what a fool i am to react like this, knowing that this is all but an illusion.. :( :( :(
he's leaving....next week he wouldn't be here anymore.his team will be transferred to ortigas...i'll miss him..i know things will never be the same again, and i'll be back to my old gloomy days...if he only knew...am i beginning to fall for him? or am i just overwhelmed by what i feel that i am mistaken infatuation with love? since i can't seem to define what i feel for him, let me just share the song that plays in my mind right now....
MILLION MILES AWAY
I'd love to make you mine 'Cause it's the only way to hold you In my wild imagination Still don't know how To grab a chance and spend some time In just a simple conversation
Just give it a try Though I'm like chasing rainbows in the sky I wanna hold you in my dreams And make believe that it's true Although I know, I know that it's impossible to do 'Cause you're a star People love you as you are You're a million miles away from me
Wished that you were here 'Cause it's illusions every time you're close to me And sing my love songs And it's the only way I could tell the whole world I love you Although you're a million miles away
Just give it a try Though I'm like chasing rainbows in the sky I wanna hold you in my dreams And make believe that it's true Although I know, I know that it's impossible to do 'Cause you're a star You're a star You're a star Million miles away from me...
he's just an arm's length away, but for some reasons, it feels as if he's in a far galaxy, and i am the only one who could see him, wishing that in time, i'd be able to reach out to him.....am i falling in love? i don't know.. :roll: :roll: :roll:
i'm back at work...i only had a day off, since our team is in transition for the new schedule...i didn't even feel i had a rest day! :evil: :evil: :evil: anyways, tani and i were supposed to have dinner over at jack's loft sunday night, but things were called off the last minute, since tani barely had time to rest, and her friends were not responding to the invitation, so we both decided to hibernate the whole night, instead of consuming our energy goin out...
before she called to cancell our "dinner date", i received a text from bhon, asking me to go out with her, since according to her, she badly needed someone to talk to, and borrowing her words, "i am the only one who could help her" with her issues...i was too sleepy to formulate a reply to her message, so the evil side got the best of me, and i thought of ignoring the message, then send her the message a little later, when i am more in my sane mind,pretending i wasnt able to read it early on.. :evil: i guess i'm not that bad yet, my guardian angel urged me to reply and besides, i probably won't be able to take it if she commits suicide out of too much depression,and i didn't even attempt to help her...so i texted her, told her i could mit up with her earlier, but i need to leave before 9pm, so i could still make it to go to libis to meet my other friends...her reply annoyed me to the highest level... :twisted: :twisted:
Bhon: no, i want you the whole night! mag-iinuman tyo, please, ngayon lang po... cge. if u want you could just bring me along, tell them i'm your new girlfriend
who wouldn't want to be irritated with someone as assuming and demanding as her?! gosh!i was on the verge of telling her "know, what? not even in the longest shot will i be introducing you as a girlfriend to any of my friends...we never became us to begin with, and there would never any 'US' in the future!!!!! :evil: :evil:
anyways, i wasn't able to stay up late, no matter how hard i tried....i was too tired and sleepy, that i only forced myself to take a shower, and then immediately went to bed after...
it has always been my habit to put my mobile fone beside me, so i could check it once in a while...guess what?! papable#2 sent me a message...
P2: Ehem! la lan...
i was too sleepy to sent a reply, so i just slept instead....
i saw my future ex-boyfriend in the pantry, just a few minutes before the start of the shift...here i go again...no matter how much i try to convince myself to stop thinking about him (even wanting him perhaps), i really just couldn't...my heart leapt at the sight of him...i felt that highschool sensation once again, and seating just right across him made me want to faint...i felt so conscious, from my bulging tummy, to the way i look, oh gosh!!!!!:oops: :oops: then again, at the back of my head, there's a little voice that's telling me to stop....perhaps i'm way out of his league, (make it i'm way out of most of guys' league) and to have him is like wishing for a miracle to happen... :( :( :( i don't understand why i am acting like this, when in fact i don't really know him. i am not sure whether he's worth the time i spend thinking about him or not. i am not really into anything, i am only happy that at least he's there to make me look forward to goin to office every night, and i am happy just to see him hangin around... :wink: if there's one song i'd like to say to him, it'll be this...
INVISIBLE MAN
You can hardly wait to tell all your friends How her kisses taste sweet like wine And how she always makes your heart skip a beat Everytime she walks by And if your feelin down She'll pick you up She'll hold you close when your makin love She's everything you've been dreamin of Oh baby Chorus: I wish you'd look at me that way Your beautiful eyes lookin deep into mine Tellin me more Than any words could say But you don't even know I'm alive Baby to you all I am, Is the invisible man You don't see me baby
You probably spend hours on the phone Talkin bout nothin at all It doesn't matter what the conversation Just as long as she calls Lost in a love so real And so sincere And she'll wipe away All your tears Your face lights up whenever she appears
Chorus I see you all the time baby The way you look at her I wish it was me sweetheart Boy I wish it was me But I guess it never will be Oh oh oh The invisble man You don't see me boy But I love you Yes I love you The invisible man Oh oh oh Ya ya The invisible man Baby, baby, baby
perhaps i'd never be visible in his eayes.....EVER!!!!! well, that's life... :cry: :cry: :cry:
on a lighter note....
aside from my future ex-boyfriends, there's another GUY lurking around my monotonous life these days...tani and i call him PAPABLE#2...he's a friend's friend. we met during one our our nights out, and was oblige to bring me home...i found him so nice, so i sent him a message, thanking him for being nice, and all. and that was how it all started...since then, people started to teasing us, but because of my odd sexual preferrence, i just shrugged everything off...i kept myself mum about the text messages i have been receiving from him every so often, if not everyday, text messages that started off as friendly, and then lately becoming more and more mushy...sometimes, i feel like i'm missing receiving messages from him, coz admittedly, he makes my day with his texts....sometimes when i feel as if the whole world has forgotten that i do have a mobile phone, and stopped sending me messages, my phone would suddenly beep because he has just sent me a text...i don't know how to define his actions....just to play it safe, i've been telling myself that perhaps he is just being nice and thoughtful to a pathetic friend...sometimes, i would test him by not sending him a text for some time, checking whether he would miss me or not...then we would initiate the texting...
i mentioned this to tani before, and she told me that perhaps the guy likes me.it's hard to read too much between the lines...for one, if he really likes me, he could've asked for my landline, so we could talk, as in "talk", instead of just exchanging text messages....it's not only tedious to write yor thoughts down the phone, but hearing the other person's voice over the phone is more intimate than reading his thoughts blankly off the phone...a couple of times or so, i've waited for him to ask for my number, but he never did..second' it'll be difficult for us to be "US", given our current situation..as i said, she is my friend's best bud, and she's been rumbling about how close they are, about her being over protective of him, and once i thought that if ever he'll fall for someone, that girl would definitely have to undergo her scrutiny, something that i hate going through...
then guess what?! he texted me last night, just a brief "PSSST", just to let me know that he's still alive, since we haven't been texting for quite some time...i got tired of texting, so i decided to give his phone a ring, when i took my lunch....and the conversation went...
miles: bakit gceng ka pa? ppble2: wala lang po..., nde ako makatulog eh....iniisip ko lang kyo... M: asus! miss mo na kme, no?! :P P: oo nga eh.... M:sleep ka na, bkit ba nde ka makatulog?
i'm not sure if i heard him correctly, or i was just sleepy that his reply appeared to be kinda vague, but let me write it just the same.... :roll: :roll:
P: WALA KA KASE SA TABE KO EH, kya nde ako makatulog... M: (fishing for something) what is that again?! i'm sorry? P: (chuckles) wala! M: ano nga?! P: (giggling) wala po, sikret?! M: HMP! kaines ka naman eh...sige na po, tulog ka na... P:sige po, ingat ka lage, goodnight! M: cge po, goodboy, okei?! wag po pasaway! tc lage?!
end of conversation.... it was a brief chitchat, but was jaded with a hint of mystery...something that i'd rather not discover....for whatever that remark is worth, i'll just let fate take its lead.... :) :) :)
this is the tale of my future ex boyfriend....so after being indiffirent with men, as i said, it's only now that i'm beginning to rediscover myself, as well as the reality of what my true sexual preferrence is...and here comes my future ex boyfriend, the guy who awakened my dormant feelings about guys. you know that for the past weeks, i've been thinking of ways on how i'll be able to catch his attention?! i don't know when was the last time i ever felt this for a guy....uhm, highschool, maybe?! do you still remember the feeling when you first had a crush on someone?! remember how your heart skipped a beat whenever you see him pass by? how you want him to be just within a meter radius so you could memorize his profile? remember how you went gaga over thinking what clothes to wear, taking too much pain to make yourself at least presentable to him? embarassing as it may sound, but yes, i've been goin through all of these lately, i felt like i'm goin back eleven years ago, when i first experienced how it was to have a crush for the first time...and so i thought it could be him.you could only imagine how much i've prayed for him not to be absent so i could catch a glimpse of him whenever i can?! gosh! if you only knew...but guess what?! i don't think i'd succumb to this madness for long. i can't..otherwise, i'll be subjecting myself for future pain, something that i wouldn't want to happen, not even in my dreariest nightmare.why?! well, simply because no matter how much i try to make him notice me, he'd NEVER ever think of throwing a glance at my direction, since his eyes are already set for someone else...too bad. i don't know how to react when the bomb exploded before me.i know i don't have any control over him, perhaps he doesn't have the faintest idea i exist..does it hurt? i don't know...i want to believe i'm ok...it feels like i'm embarking on a journey, and before i could get any farther, my sails suddenly broke, and i don't have any other choice but to retreat.at least i haven't invested much on it yet.i guess i'm ok, at least i already have the answer to my question in my previous blog....will it be him? DEFINITELY NOT.... :(
